A Conundrum of Contradictions

The musings of one born in the wrong decade

Christmas 2011 December 25, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — summerv @ 12:54 pm

It’s nearly noon on Christmas. I’m in my pajamas, respecting the doctors’ orders of staying home and not sharing my cold. It sucks. I’ve missed or will miss a full week of work and the Secret Santa gift exchange. We’re also missing Christmas dinner with family.

We’ve got three people in various stages of moving related to this house: one going out; two coming in. People who move in December are nuts. I should know – we’ve done it. Combine that with the universal money situation (of everyone being flat broke) and suddenly the holidays mean something completely different. There is no wreath on my door, nor did we put up the tree this year. There are no gifts to open. I would feel like a fool if there were, since we borrowed money to pay our rent. One month without roommates changes the game significantly.

I’m a little down. But not for the reasons you might think. I don’t mind there are no gifts or decorations. If you have to, Christmas can be just another day. I’m bloody tired of being sick though – it’s interfering with my plans. Plans that have come into my mind whilst being sick and otherwise unoccupied, so I suppose there’s a silver lining to everything, but now that I have something to hold and aim for, and desire beyond all else, I want to get moving. The journey has officially begun! Every step has to count, every angle has to move me forward towards what I want, which is two goals really. They are two very separate things, yet cosmically tied together. One goal is for my physical, material self, the one who wants to go places, acquire things, and experience what true adventure feels like. The other is for my spiritual self, the one who strives for balance within myself, and wants to listen with a more finely tuned ear to the Earth and the vibrates around me. I have a personal guru and a point of reference, each aligned with these two separate journeys that will eventually converge. I’ve even planned my first tattoo, that’s how inspired and moved I am – I don’t ever want to forget the fire burning inside me, the hunger I feel right now.

This month has been pivotal in our lives: mine, my husbands, and our band of beyond-friends. We all feel it. We’re down, we’re broke, we’re tired, and we’ve been pushed so far against the wall there’s no other choice now but to make a daring move. And we’ve decided to do it together. Their dreams are now mine, my dreams are now theirs. They will work just as hard towards my dream as there own, because as I succeed so will they. My refrigerator is covered in affirmations from one of the best energy circles I’ve ever felt. We taped them there so we could read every morning and stoke the motivation. There are so many things I want in life, things I never thought of before that now matter in a world-altering way. I can have them all. I just have to believe and go for it with reckless abandon.

Next year is 2012. Many thoughts fight for space as I consider that. Will the world end in cataclysm and it all be for naught? Will some event take place that changes everything?

It’s irrelevant really.

Not a single day in your life is guaranteed. I’ve known people who’ve died during a friendly game of hoops and one who fell while rock climbing. If it’s your time, there’s no escaping it. So many of us live half-heartedly, believing we should save every penny until we retire, so then we can pursue our dreams. I disagree, in all caps if it would prove a point. You could die in your sleep, get hit by a car, have some undiagnosed brain aneurism and just fall down dead one day. Why would you not take every minute you are breathing and do something wonderful with it?

I think now’s a good time to recommend a very inspiring documentary. It’s called 180˚ South. I found it on Netflix and intent to buy it, possibly two copies, just to make sure it’s always in my mind what’s possible and necessary. It moved me; it shattered my dull and weary reality, and ultimately it will change me. That thought makes me smile.

So Christmas or not, sick or not, inside I’m happy. I’ve found what I want in life, what I need – it’s very rare for those two to be the same thing. And like the man said, “Screw the Holy Grail, whatever that is. It’s the journey that’s important; it’s the journey that changes you. Otherwise you’re an asshole when you left and you’re an asshole when you get back.” I could be a little off with the quote, but he’s right. He is so right.

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