A Conundrum of Contradictions

The musings of one born in the wrong decade

One more step June 21, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — summerv @ 6:37 pm

I needn’t point out how long it’s been since I last wrote – longer than I intended. Much has changed and the speed has rapidly accelerated; time to see if I can make those brave words about doing things differently and living more thoughtfully into reality.

The glimmer I wouldn’t mention has become the flame I prayed for, if it was the right path for me. I wanted health care more than I wanted free from the traditional chains of working for the Man. So I accepted the offer when it came to be reinstated with full benefits – made it by 3 days. Unfortunately, and fortunately depending on the moments perspective, June arrived and became the bullet train we can’t get off. Living thoughtfully for the moment is remembering to eat, shower every couple days, and sleep just enough to be functional the following day. I can’t wait for the end of June.

July promises to be better, heavy with opportunity and hope. Normally I wouldn’t voice plans that feel so fragile, but we’re so committed I will anyway: we’re going on vacation in Thailand before the year is out. I don’t really remember our last true day off and the only thing close to a real vacation was an 8-day fishing trip where we both got stomach flu. I need this and damn it, we’re gonna have it. There’s no point busting ass if what you have to look forward to is more of the same.

And I turn 30 this year. I’ve just about figured out who I am and what I want, and now with clear direction, I’m going for it with everything I’ve got. I’ve been mostly talk for a long time, thwarted by circumstances, myself, or both. Its time to live the life I want, not the one I’m being allowed. Cuz frankly, if my life sucks its my fault.

I don’t want it to suck.

I’ve been in a bad pinch before – homeless in Minnesota winter was no picnic – but this one is different. Don’t know whether to say is or was since we may not be through it yet. Then, as now, its been a test of character; we’ve grown instead of crumbling. I can dig deeper and push harder when there’s no other choice but quit. We both can. I think its a testament to a solid loving relationship that we’ll do more for each other than we could for just ourselves. May and June have been prime examples, for him and me, respectively.

So here I sit, on the brink of manning up to all my idealistic talk, ready to charge in with 15 years worth of angry determination. Hopefully I can channel strategic brilliance instead of bull in a China shop. Its a small thing perhaps, but I’ll know if I’m not writing here it better be because I’m busy making moves for a better life out there. I’ll take all the luck I can get, so send it my way if you’ve any to spare.

Till next time, I’m going for it. I wish you success if you do the same. Its the motto from work, corny but true: once you think you’ve done enough, go one more step.