A Conundrum of Contradictions

The musings of one born in the wrong decade

Then and Now May 21, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — summerv @ 2:12 am

More parking garage musings…did you guys miss this? I kinda did – no better place for some uninterrupted writing than a deserted garage, and I’m parked in a space marked "alternative fuel low emissions vehicles only" right beside a red Ferrari. I couldn’t make up better irony.

So I’ve encountered a person about my age who’s stuck in a life phase several steps behind me: the one where she wants to impress everyone with her knowledge but it comes across condescending, she wants to relate but one-ups, she desperately wants attention and is incredibly insecure. I’ve also noticed a certain amount of spin, where the truth is perceived in such a way that it actually becomes bs. I find that last part disturbing.

I remember being young and stupid, vomiting my entire life story on strangers, thinking they wouldn’t truly understand me without all the gritty details. Usually it crossed the line of appropriateness and in some cases became very uncomfortable (for me, as you can imagine it was already uncomfortable for them) because I suddenly realized this person knew too much. I finally stopped all that nonsense, quit trying to be ‘likable’, whatever that is, and tried keeping my mouth shut. I learned my mouth can do all sorts of damage or make an excellent Cheshire cat smile that left people wondering. Maybe more importantly, I learned diplomacy and tact. Combine that with a fair amount of self acceptance, and you have what I am now: easy going, confident, genuine and grounded. I wonder now how anyone put up with me then. It must have been exhausting!

And so I find it, with this girl my age who seems not to have benefited as much from her life experience, and requires mental bracing on my part. It’s exhausting and irritating. I wish she would just be herself and drop all the salesmanship – this isn’t an interview, for heaven’s sake. Trouble is, I think it took someone repeatedly pointing out to me that I was being a fool before I got the hint.

In other news, I’ve bumped into a sensitive subject where I have vastly different views than another person: the subject of depression and how its treated. Having had depression for several years and never seeing a professional about it, I see things differently than someone who’s on multiple ‘anti-‘ medications and swears there’s no other way.

– This guy just about crashed his Ferrari into the wall. That’s what happens when you fire it up while in gear without your foot on the clutch. He saved it by inches –

Depression, in my experience, is in your head. It affects everything else: how you feel, respond, react or don’t react, engage or not. I battled through mine, without drugs, with the undying support and often tough love of my husband.

– Security just road by, made a face about my Yukon being parked in a "fuel efficient" space. Shouldn’t those people have to drive further by virtue that their cars are more efficient? –

We couldn’t accept my (then) present state and knew that if I sought help, which I couldn’t afford, they’d just prescribe me drugs. Refusing both meant having to accept that I’m fucked up and living with it, but living was required as I wasn’t doing much of it at the time. I had a genuine desire to get better, and told myself I was sick of being miserable. Now this other person has a long list of reasons why she needs drugs. Ultimately, I think she can’t deal with her own shit and is using it as a crutch – everything unsavory is somehow related or a result of her illness, and therefore can’t be helped. I don’t buy it.

People are not meant to live on drugs, to not be able to function without them. I’ve been reading a lot on natural hygiene and natural healing – the body wants to be in balance and is constantly trying to regain it. Generally, we get in the way. I really believe we can do better. I’m proof that depression can be overcome. I’m getting it together to work towards healing my other issues.

I guess it’ll remain a difference of opinion. I just won’t accept that drugs must be a part of my life. Some people will. I want to be better than that. Hopefully you feel the same to some extent. Luvs

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