A Conundrum of Contradictions

The musings of one born in the wrong decade

27 February, 2011 13:21 February 27, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — summerv @ 1:21 pm

Have you ever made a comment or said something that at the time seemed fine and then 10 mins later realized you were a complete ass? I did that today. Made a friend uncomfortable by doing so. Having done that, I usually do the next thing wrong too, which is bring it up again later to apologize. Not saying apologizing is bad, just that my timing isn’t the best.
It could all be solved if I would think before speaking. Or maybe think more rationally – cuz my "logic" isn’t always. Starting to accept my view of the world is at a minimum slightly skewed. Sometimes its brilliant; sometimes its dreadfully stupid.
Live and learn I guess. Just wish at some point I could hold on to all the things I’ve "learned" so when the situation comes up again I won’t have to learn it again. Maybe I should go about this another way: work on the brain to mouth connection, make it a bit faulty so things can’t pass directly from one to the other? That might work. Experiments to follow; results pending…


February 26, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — summerv @ 12:47 pm

I was debating last night about doing a post on how much people suck, and then decided you might not appreciate it. Do bear in mind I work in an art gallery, visited most often by the kind of people who don’t normally visit art galleries and therefore have no idea how to behave. I can clearly see the reason most art establishments have stanchion ropes and glass cases – the worst they have to deal with are fingerprints.

 I submitted the forms for health benefits yesterday. It’s a bit exciting. We haven’t had health insurance since November 2008, and as you can imagine, certain things get neglected. I still don’t really understand how the whole system works, especially the deductible part, but I think we’re getting a good deal. Contact lenses here I come!

 The boys have run off to do photo things in Red Rock. I think they’re a bit nuts considering the weather forecast today: cloudy with chances for rain, which will be amplified that far from the city’s core. I have an hour of unsupervised time before leaving for work….what to do with myself? Handle these fingernails is on the list; the claws might scare potential customers away.

 I had a discussion with my husband two nights ago, where I bluntly asked him how to have middle ground, which I apparently generally don’t have. I’m chasing a dream and working the steps to getting things going, but as with all great endeavors, there are setbacks, sometimes standstills. I want to know where the balance is between enjoying what I have and still passionately chasing the dream without getting frustrated when no progress is being made. See, frustration is a dangerous fellow in my house. It goes from a setback or standstill to frustration, to feeling stuck, to chaffing within the stuck-ness, to depression – usually in fairly rapid succession. Once I get to depression I tend to wallow and feel miserably sorry for myself, enumerating all the ways I’m trapped and will never get ahead, which we all know (myself included), does absolutely nothing and makes things considerably worse unnecessarily.

 In case you didn’t know, I have issues – all of which are on the “I’m working on it” list and receive varying amounts of attention.

 It sounds simple when I read it. Just be happy. The bunny is happy. Enjoy what you’re doing now while you wait patiently for the next opportunity to move forward with the dream. The trouble I’m having is that passion is a close neighbor to frustration – she doesn’t have much middle ground either. So I try diversion – think of the other things I want to pursue to keep me busy in the meantime: gardening, piano, cooking – most of which unfortunately takes money to some extent. I don’t need to expound on the financial strain most of us are under – you get me.

 So there it is. My newest dilemma: find patience, most importantly, and happiness in whatever I’m doing. Right now it’s writing this blog, which gives me space to vent into the ether and question the cosmos. More specifically, it’s being patient and happy at the same time, regardless of circumstances. Simple, right?


Stinkbug February 23, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — summerv @ 11:35 pm

I have to wear a suit coat to work everyday, black from head to toe, rather mortician-looking, and mine seems to be lined with something that won’t let my body breathe.  My love affair with crystal deodorant has hit its first snag. My inner hippie was so excited when an acquaintance recommended a natural alternative to traditional, aluminum-based deodorants. (I buy mine at Sunflower Market for $2.50). I’ve been a faithful and happy user since. I never have to worry about marks on my black shirts, no skin irritation, no chalky residue, and no fragrance (for us allergy sufferers) – it’s just all happy…except that in this blasted suit coat my body can’t do anything but sweat, and by the end of a normal work day I stink. It got bad enough that my husband noticed while sitting next to me in the car. He now wants to rewrite the “Junebug” song to say Stinkbug instead.

Not wearing the coat isn’t an option, at least not right now. There’s this whole need to look professional and my current wardrobe, without the coat, isn’t up to the task. So I broke down and bought men’s unscented deodorant. It works, but the first day I came home and stripped off my shirt my underarms where black. Quite disturbing actually. Something about the fabric of that particular shirt doesn’t agree. Molly Blackpits was born.

Honey is favoring Stinkbug. We both laugh about it so I guess it works.

In other news, I’m trying to fill out my new insurance forms with little success. These things are made to confuse. And everyone I’m used to seeing is in a separate special book and going to cost a premium – pretty much standard. I’ll have to go in early to ask for help on Friday. Why in the world does getting/staying healthy have to be so complicated??


Rude people February 19, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — summerv @ 7:21 pm

I work in a conceptual art gallery. Mostly the rudeness I hear is directed at the art: when people don’t understand or gag over the prices. For the first time its been directed at me as a person, and I, unfortunately, was unprepared. I had someone misconstrue me doing my job as eavesdropping, make a huge assumption, and then tell me off with her back turned. Very classy, I know. Now that I’ve recovered from the shock, this is my response:
If you’re going to insult me, do it to my face. You don’t  look serious from the back.
You’re playing on $9k worth of art that it is my job to protect and educate people about.
And you need to leave. If you’d rather not, I will gladly call security to escort you off property.
– That’s my work appropriate diplomatic response, except that first part anyway. What I really wanna say would probably result in a fist fight and me losing my job.
I miss the old days when you could have a scuffle and buy each other drinks after. Now its all messy with arrests and job repercussions. The rules have gotten tighter and the civility has gotten less.
I’m sure a simple “excuse me, you need to leave” would have set off a hailstorm and because she wouldn’t listen to me try to right her assumption it basically ended without incident. I’m sure that’s how work would prefer me to handle things. But frankly, that bitch needs to cool her temper. I’m a huge believer in Karma and I’m sure one day she’ll lose it like that with someone who’ll rearrange her teeth for her.
That’s a comfort to me.


Stumbling into Twitter February 18, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — summerv @ 11:59 am

I’ve joined Twitter finally, mostly on the suggestions and praise of it by Ev Bogue from Far Beyond the Stars (I’ll add his link in the Inspirations sidebar, but I need to message him and see if he’s still using it. Las night I was redirected somewhere else).  He’s also on Twitter if you’d like to follow him. Got Honey on Twitter for FGP – he’s seen the potential and wonders why we didn’t start this a year ago.

Neither one of us knows a thing about Twitter, however. There’s etiquette and short hand symbols, abbreviations and ‘rules’. Yeah, we have no idea what we’re doing, so anyone reading them please bear with us while we thrash about.

I should probably also note there are a handful of subjects not up for discussion on this forum, or any public forum for that matter, and despite my desire and frustration to vent loudly on some of them…we will not be discussing my work (for my own safety – did you read the news about peeps being fired for bashing on FB?), sex – need I explain?, and religion – mostly because I haven’t decided where I stand and it’s a great way to make a lot of people mad, which isn’t my intention. So everything else, however gritty, painful, personal, etc is up for grabs, and no, that is not me dangling a carrot. But right now, as a regular slob, I have to get ready for work.


Hello WordPress!!

Filed under: Uncategorized — summerv @ 2:47 am

Hey gang,

I’m no longer on Blogger and have no intentions of going back. This is my new home: a whole new name, persona, and angle. It’s about me, my journey, struggles, triumphs, and frustrations. Hopefully you were redirected here and can update your bookmarks. Sorry, not possible. I tried…

I think in part it was a disgusting frustration with Blogger – it erased the only tab that let me do anything by way of customization – and in part it was a detachment from The Monkey Chronicles. The original premise of that blog was to detail our many photo/fishing trips, the back roads and odd, out of the way places we found. Now, with the fishing boat in the happy hands of someone else and us surviving on much less, the road trips are far fewer and so my posts have become. So…I’ve transitioned/started again on a more user-friendly platform and refocused my posts on what’s relavent to me now: living in the present and really doing the work for all those things I claimed “I’m working on it”. Which means working on me, digging to the painful places, finding out why there are still brain triggers that trip and turn me into a raging bitch without notice.

I’m gonna be 30 this year, and I’m smiling at it coming towards me. There’s excitement and anticipation – a deep feeling that I’m finally finding my place, my rhythm, and a whole person will emerge the other side. It’s time to heal some (really) old wounds, let all the bullshit go, and just breathe.

“To feel that one has a place in life solves half the problems of contentment.” – George E. Woodberry


>S L O W…means more than you think February 17, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — summerv @ 5:42 pm

>Blogger has lost its mind, so I’m having to type this in instead of cut/paste. Stupid thing…

We went to Seligman, AZ a couple weeks ago. The pics still aren’t ready and my schedule changed twice since then – I’m still trying to get reoriented. It was a nice weekend hop, cruising Route 66 and stopping at all the odd little places along the way. Stopped in Hackberry to take pictures; if I ever acquire an old GMC truck from the early 60’s like my folks had, Hackberry is where I’d go for parts. We did the Grand Canyon Cavers tour, made that much better by our odd tour guide, Bob. Seligman is a jumping classic car mecca in the summer months, but in January when it’s cold, half the town is closed. I suggest West Side Lilo’s Cafe over the Roadkill Cafe and a visit to the Return to the 50’s shop for an alien driver’s license. Visited Keepers of the Wild in Valentine, AZ on the way back – lots of tigers and video of emus doing the unmentionable. It was deeply necessary to get out of town for awhile; I’m feeling that way again actually…

I went clubbing for the first time on the 7th for my roomie’s birthday bash at Marquee. I managed to pull some strings last minute and get us a table and comped bottle. Honey, I and our friend Jodi shut the place down at 5:30am. I was sick for the next three days; she was sick for two. Honey drove me home and was fine. It was a lot of fun, but the aftermath was horrific and I probably won’t be going to that level ever again.

We bought a couch. It brings the place together and makes it look like someone lives here. Not to mention it was a steal at $80 for a two piece sectional. The studio has been resurrected and is ready for business. Hopefully today an ad will go out.

Besides that…I’m still settling into who I am. It seems ridiculous it should take nearly 30 years to figure out what I am, what I really want from life, what’s important and what’s not, but that seems to be the way of it for me. I’m slow, but also slow: everything is easy going, mellow, relaxed, no stress – that’s the groove I’m getting into. There’s more room for my brain to think creatively, more sense of the right now around me, and it harmonizes with my inner rhythm. I guess my inner hippie is winning the day. And it feels good.