I feel old today. Probably just tired…seems to be my natural state at this point. But, in better news and by the grace of God, we’re still kicking. Seems we find what we need just in the nick of time. I’m calling it Divine Providence because frankly, I’m not that good. Believe what you like, but someone is watching out for us.
I went to a job interview last Wednesday. Oddest one I’ve ever been to. Try to show personality while answering a strictly work-related question. Just one question. I don’t know if I dazzled or blew it. And their “oh you should know either way in a day or two…” email hasn’t come yet. I’m assuming holiday interference.
Fingers crossed just the same.
It’s an odd feeling I have about life in general these days. I’m not where I expected to be, or planned to be, or dreamed of being. Several steps from there in fact. In the same breath, where I am has a certain ‘rightness’ to it. We’ve been much worse, survived with much less, and suffered more; we’re struggling now but it’s not the same. I don’t know how to describe how simple everything becomes when you’re homeless. There is no rent, or utilities. We were fortunate enough to be working at the time so it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. In truth it was more freeing than I expected. Call me crazy, but part of me wants to do it again. Just shuck all this and drive. I’ll have to pay off the car first and they’re a bit nastier about the insurance laws these days, but still. The feelings don’t take that stuff into account. I would go backpacking in a heartbeat. Doesn’t matter that I’m out of shape and have bad knees. I feel sometimes like life is passing and I’m not living it, that I could be doing more. The problem seems to be I’m letting this traditional shackling get in the way. Why do I need a house and a car? Why can’t I just hop a bus or plane and go do? I can hear the bullshit rattling in your head as you answer that question for yourself. Think of it like a child – simple. How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator? So…how do I live the life I dream about, gypsying where the wind blows me? Pack my shit and go. Simple.
There are other people who love me dearly who have other plans. Career-minded, professional plans that don’t include dropping back to what seems to them to be the bottom rung. I’m becoming so anti-stuff it’s starting to worry those loved ones. I don’t want to own anything. Feels like that stuff equally owns me and I don’t like it. I just want to go and see and experience. I had a dream the other night I shaved my head and took to wearing all those hats I like so much but never wear. I don’t think it would be a particularly flattering look for me, but that’s beside the point. I think a work commune would be awesome. That’s all I really need. That and a pair of good shoes…
The possibilities are endless…