Get Steely May 8, 2012

A few facts to bring everyone up to speed, albeit rather abruptly:

I work full-time for my own design business, Besoj Designs. There’s nothing to Google yet but it’s paying our bills. Honey is my No 1 employee, and as of last week, our draftsman (the old-school way, no less). We have work booked through mid- to late June.

 

Let that soak in for a minute. I know I needed several.

On March 6, after some very odd events, the hotel decided I was collateral damage and fired me. Nobody really knows what happened; I don’t really care, seeing as they did me a favor. They screwed me with the money of course, and unemployment ruled they had every right to do so. I’m over that too. We picked up what used to be known as ‘side work’, and then got a referral, more work, another referral…word of mouth is a wonderful thing. And before I knew it, without having done anything special or out of the ordinary, I realized I was doing what I was afraid I couldn’t do. Now we make our own hours, pick our days off. We have flexibility for the unexpected – like the health scare we had yesterday. We’re taking a couple days off, because it’s the right thing to do, and I don’t have to call in.  Honestly, it’s pretty freaking awesome!!

 So plans got moved up a bit – we’d always planned to work for ourselves. Guess we’ve been ready and waiting long enough. I haven’t applied for one “real” job. I don’t intend to.

 In other news, I’m studying feng shui. I bring this up because it’s awesome hippie shit (that’s actually ancient Chinese hippie shit) and it works (what little I’ve done so far has had noticeable effects) and as I’m delving into it further….I’ve stumbled across a ‘coincidence’ that’s too loud to ignore. I’m studying flying star feng shui, which uses the cardinal directions to determine where your house’s good and bad energies congregate. It’s based on the facing direction of your house. Remember that documentary that changed my life from the last post? Now guess what direction my front door faces…?

 

180˚ South.

 Yeah. We can’t move. We’re gonna have to buy this house cuz here’s where we’re supposed to be.  I can’t argue with that kind of sign; stairs or no stairs, this should be our house.

 So there you have it. We’re freaking doing it. What are you doing?

Christmas 2011 December 25, 2011

It’s nearly noon on Christmas. I’m in my pajamas, respecting the doctors’ orders of staying home and not sharing my cold. It sucks. I’ve missed or will miss a full week of work and the Secret Santa gift exchange. We’re also missing Christmas dinner with family.

We’ve got three people in various stages of moving related to this house: one going out; two coming in. People who move in December are nuts. I should know – we’ve done it. Combine that with the universal money situation (of everyone being flat broke) and suddenly the holidays mean something completely different. There is no wreath on my door, nor did we put up the tree this year. There are no gifts to open. I would feel like a fool if there were, since we borrowed money to pay our rent. One month without roommates changes the game significantly.

I’m a little down. But not for the reasons you might think. I don’t mind there are no gifts or decorations. If you have to, Christmas can be just another day. I’m bloody tired of being sick though – it’s interfering with my plans. Plans that have come into my mind whilst being sick and otherwise unoccupied, so I suppose there’s a silver lining to everything, but now that I have something to hold and aim for, and desire beyond all else, I want to get moving. The journey has officially begun! Every step has to count, every angle has to move me forward towards what I want, which is two goals really. They are two very separate things, yet cosmically tied together. One goal is for my physical, material self, the one who wants to go places, acquire things, and experience what true adventure feels like. The other is for my spiritual self, the one who strives for balance within myself, and wants to listen with a more finely tuned ear to the Earth and the vibrates around me. I have a personal guru and a point of reference, each aligned with these two separate journeys that will eventually converge. I’ve even planned my first tattoo, that’s how inspired and moved I am – I don’t ever want to forget the fire burning inside me, the hunger I feel right now.

This month has been pivotal in our lives: mine, my husbands, and our band of beyond-friends. We all feel it. We’re down, we’re broke, we’re tired, and we’ve been pushed so far against the wall there’s no other choice now but to make a daring move. And we’ve decided to do it together. Their dreams are now mine, my dreams are now theirs. They will work just as hard towards my dream as there own, because as I succeed so will they. My refrigerator is covered in affirmations from one of the best energy circles I’ve ever felt. We taped them there so we could read every morning and stoke the motivation. There are so many things I want in life, things I never thought of before that now matter in a world-altering way. I can have them all. I just have to believe and go for it with reckless abandon.

Next year is 2012. Many thoughts fight for space as I consider that. Will the world end in cataclysm and it all be for naught? Will some event take place that changes everything?

It’s irrelevant really.

Not a single day in your life is guaranteed. I’ve known people who’ve died during a friendly game of hoops and one who fell while rock climbing. If it’s your time, there’s no escaping it. So many of us live half-heartedly, believing we should save every penny until we retire, so then we can pursue our dreams. I disagree, in all caps if it would prove a point. You could die in your sleep, get hit by a car, have some undiagnosed brain aneurism and just fall down dead one day. Why would you not take every minute you are breathing and do something wonderful with it?

I think now’s a good time to recommend a very inspiring documentary. It’s called 180˚ South. I found it on Netflix and intent to buy it, possibly two copies, just to make sure it’s always in my mind what’s possible and necessary. It moved me; it shattered my dull and weary reality, and ultimately it will change me. That thought makes me smile.

So Christmas or not, sick or not, inside I’m happy. I’ve found what I want in life, what I need – it’s very rare for those two to be the same thing. And like the man said, “Screw the Holy Grail, whatever that is. It’s the journey that’s important; it’s the journey that changes you. Otherwise you’re an asshole when you left and you’re an asshole when you get back.” I could be a little off with the quote, but he’s right. He is so right.

Vacation!! November 3, 2011

We have achieved the impossible this year. Despite the economy (gag), health issues, and the usual state of our finances (pathetic), we are going on vacation.

That’s not impossible, you say? Well, it has been for us. I’ve worked the last 15 years without one, so has my hubby. It goes without saying that the 8-day camping trip with the stomach flu does not count. Always seems there’s never time off available, or enough money, or a time when some other random catastrophe isn’t happening. The days of extra income and every-weekend fishing trips are over. And we couldn’t have managed this trip either, without the generosity of a dear friend.

So Thailand it is not. Despite everyone’s best efforts, none of the group could afford to go that far, get passports in time, etc. Same goes for two locations in Mexico. All six of us can, however, afford to visit the east coast and stay for free with family.

I’m being slightly vague on purpose. This isn’t quite the same as announcing to Facebook the dates you’ll be out of town, but its close.

I am floating on air just knowing that in X number of days I’ll be flying outta here. I haven’t flown since 2000; haven’t been further east than Minnesota. Try to imagine something similar to nearly two weeks in a farm house from the 1900’s, your own guest room, and essentially a bed and breakfast. And for anyone who knows anything about the rocky history with my folks, you’ll know it’s a huge deal to have a big family dinner on a holiday. This alone will sustain me through any trials between now and then.

The other challenges I’ve been working on: Fit for Life, getting a business or two off the ground…are slow, slower now that the cash flow has become more uneven than before. It can’t be helped, but living out of one’s pantry isn’t very FFL – veggies don’t keep, you know. But as I’ve said before, I accept that the prizes are mine, despite crawling towards my goal at a snail’s pace. I’m spending some time getting to know the Yoga Journal website, which I love. And the post is taking forever, but I ordered a used book on becoming a runner in 30 days. – I get that running is intuitive just like swimming for some people, but do either of them wrong long enough and you’ll seriously hurt yourself – besides, I need a guide to follow to follow thru.  They are small steps, but will eventually add up to a great distance from where I am now.  It’s about the journey, not the destination.

Four loads of clean laundry are staring me in the back, waiting to be folded and put away. If I don’t handle it soon, they’ll probably revolt. And I’ve decided I’ll try to grow roses in the wasteland that is my back yard. Ollas will probably help.

 

 

A Spiritual Experience October 20, 2011

Did you know camping could be a spiritual experience?

I did, but it’s been taken to another level in the last three days. I’m on the path I’m meant to walk and every fiber of my being knows it. That’s happiness if I ever felt it.

We went to Utah. It’s one of our collection of 3-hr drives outside of Vegas that provides a stress drain and fresh air. I didn’t get any sleep since we left right after I got off work – that’s 2am folks – but it was an easy drive, little traffic, and I haven’t seen the sun rise for ages. It was glorious. Met up with a couple guys who’d come out the day before and moved camp to a bigger, more sheltered spot. Said spot happened to be occupied by a large number of rather aggressive bees. I got stung for the first time, twice, which hurts like hell and had me crying like a little girl. I spent the afternoon safely in our tent with a book. By nightfall the girls had arrived and the bees had gone wherever bees go when it gets cold. It was far colder than we anticipated, even though we’d planned for cold weather. That night we were animals around the campfire, singing, dancing, being dazzled by the Milky Way.The shadow theater was a riot; wish I had video.

The following morning was slightly awful. Everyone was awake and running for their lives from the bees, who had returned with a vengeance. Emma got stung too. A Chinese fire drill ensued as we packed up camp and headed down the mountain. We stopped at a ‘camp by donation’ site with no name, located maybe a mile or two from the main highway and right beside a healthy stream. It’s my new favorite spot. The rest of the gang went into town for more firewood and food, since the guys were leaving soon. Honey and I stayed and set up camp, had baths in the creek (biodegradable soap), and made ham sammies.  We looked like old school hippies, lounging about in the sunshine, dipping our toes in the water. One of the guys had a streaking run through the woods; the other went crawdad fishing and caught several. It was warm and bee-free. We had the whole place to ourselves until it got dark, when a couple hikers dropped in.

The magic happened even stronger that night, with Honey and I and the two girls. We solved the crisis of where to go on vacation since we are collectively broke. It felt right. The vibe was calmer, more earthy. I loved it.

Next morning had soup pot sausage and eggs. The girls had to go home before us; we had to jump their car first. We had planned to be packed up early, then lounge about until dinnertime when we’d go into town for our traditional green chili burrito at Oscar’s. Honey was restless so we went early, which turned out to be right. We split a burrito so we could finally have dessert – and Kathy’s Famous Carrot Cake is not nearly famous enough – it was the most divine carrot cake I’ve ever had. We visited a couple rock and gem shops that we’ve always passed before. I found a sale basket, bought a hematite ring to help with stress and a chakra stone bracelet. We were home by 6:30pm. The return drive just flew. We ordered Thai food and spent some quality time.

 

The soul has been fed and allowed to wander in the woods. It was open to see how special my friends are and how they’re really more like family. I love them fiercely. As far as getting my life together in various ways…there is nothing that can stop a determined mind. Progress is measured in small steps and though I’m not there yet, on any front, I’m content that the prize is mine.

Get your nature on, people! It does a body, mind, and spirit good.

 

Check in August 28, 2011

Living Fit for Life is both more and less challenging than I thought. My body and taste buds have no objection to me eating 70% vegetable. And a male friend I haven’t seen in three months commented on my weight lost the other day. This isn’t really the kind of thing you can do if pressed for time though. I forgot how involved it can get to cook everyday; not to mention the mess I make that will be waiting for me when I get home. So its all very fluid.

I’ve committed in my head to a lifestyle change, so I’m not self-destructively neurotic about cheating when necessary. I’m still tired more than is reasonable and there’s more I could be doing – isn’t there always? – But I persevere nonetheless. Results will come.

Plus I learned my lesson last night: satisfying the munchies at 3am with leftover pizza is a very bad idea. Spent half the night in the bathroom because my health oriented stomach didn’t care for my choice. Go figure. They say if its right, you’ll know.

Anyway, other amazing things are in the works: two potential businesses, a real vacation, and other unmentionables. Hope ur all out there seizing opportunities too. Luvs

One more step June 21, 2011

I needn’t point out how long it’s been since I last wrote – longer than I intended. Much has changed and the speed has rapidly accelerated; time to see if I can make those brave words about doing things differently and living more thoughtfully into reality.

The glimmer I wouldn’t mention has become the flame I prayed for, if it was the right path for me. I wanted health care more than I wanted free from the traditional chains of working for the Man. So I accepted the offer when it came to be reinstated with full benefits – made it by 3 days. Unfortunately, and fortunately depending on the moments perspective, June arrived and became the bullet train we can’t get off. Living thoughtfully for the moment is remembering to eat, shower every couple days, and sleep just enough to be functional the following day. I can’t wait for the end of June.

July promises to be better, heavy with opportunity and hope. Normally I wouldn’t voice plans that feel so fragile, but we’re so committed I will anyway: we’re going on vacation in Thailand before the year is out. I don’t really remember our last true day off and the only thing close to a real vacation was an 8-day fishing trip where we both got stomach flu. I need this and damn it, we’re gonna have it. There’s no point busting ass if what you have to look forward to is more of the same.

And I turn 30 this year. I’ve just about figured out who I am and what I want, and now with clear direction, I’m going for it with everything I’ve got. I’ve been mostly talk for a long time, thwarted by circumstances, myself, or both. Its time to live the life I want, not the one I’m being allowed. Cuz frankly, if my life sucks its my fault.

I don’t want it to suck.

I’ve been in a bad pinch before – homeless in Minnesota winter was no picnic – but this one is different. Don’t know whether to say is or was since we may not be through it yet. Then, as now, its been a test of character; we’ve grown instead of crumbling. I can dig deeper and push harder when there’s no other choice but quit. We both can. I think its a testament to a solid loving relationship that we’ll do more for each other than we could for just ourselves. May and June have been prime examples, for him and me, respectively.

So here I sit, on the brink of manning up to all my idealistic talk, ready to charge in with 15 years worth of angry determination. Hopefully I can channel strategic brilliance instead of bull in a China shop. Its a small thing perhaps, but I’ll know if I’m not writing here it better be because I’m busy making moves for a better life out there. I’ll take all the luck I can get, so send it my way if you’ve any to spare.

Till next time, I’m going for it. I wish you success if you do the same. Its the motto from work, corny but true: once you think you’ve done enough, go one more step.

Then and Now May 21, 2011

More parking garage musings…did you guys miss this? I kinda did – no better place for some uninterrupted writing than a deserted garage, and I’m parked in a space marked "alternative fuel low emissions vehicles only" right beside a red Ferrari. I couldn’t make up better irony.

So I’ve encountered a person about my age who’s stuck in a life phase several steps behind me: the one where she wants to impress everyone with her knowledge but it comes across condescending, she wants to relate but one-ups, she desperately wants attention and is incredibly insecure. I’ve also noticed a certain amount of spin, where the truth is perceived in such a way that it actually becomes bs. I find that last part disturbing.

I remember being young and stupid, vomiting my entire life story on strangers, thinking they wouldn’t truly understand me without all the gritty details. Usually it crossed the line of appropriateness and in some cases became very uncomfortable (for me, as you can imagine it was already uncomfortable for them) because I suddenly realized this person knew too much. I finally stopped all that nonsense, quit trying to be ‘likable’, whatever that is, and tried keeping my mouth shut. I learned my mouth can do all sorts of damage or make an excellent Cheshire cat smile that left people wondering. Maybe more importantly, I learned diplomacy and tact. Combine that with a fair amount of self acceptance, and you have what I am now: easy going, confident, genuine and grounded. I wonder now how anyone put up with me then. It must have been exhausting!

And so I find it, with this girl my age who seems not to have benefited as much from her life experience, and requires mental bracing on my part. It’s exhausting and irritating. I wish she would just be herself and drop all the salesmanship – this isn’t an interview, for heaven’s sake. Trouble is, I think it took someone repeatedly pointing out to me that I was being a fool before I got the hint.

In other news, I’ve bumped into a sensitive subject where I have vastly different views than another person: the subject of depression and how its treated. Having had depression for several years and never seeing a professional about it, I see things differently than someone who’s on multiple ‘anti-’ medications and swears there’s no other way.

- This guy just about crashed his Ferrari into the wall. That’s what happens when you fire it up while in gear without your foot on the clutch. He saved it by inches -

Depression, in my experience, is in your head. It affects everything else: how you feel, respond, react or don’t react, engage or not. I battled through mine, without drugs, with the undying support and often tough love of my husband.

- Security just road by, made a face about my Yukon being parked in a "fuel efficient" space. Shouldn’t those people have to drive further by virtue that their cars are more efficient? -

We couldn’t accept my (then) present state and knew that if I sought help, which I couldn’t afford, they’d just prescribe me drugs. Refusing both meant having to accept that I’m fucked up and living with it, but living was required as I wasn’t doing much of it at the time. I had a genuine desire to get better, and told myself I was sick of being miserable. Now this other person has a long list of reasons why she needs drugs. Ultimately, I think she can’t deal with her own shit and is using it as a crutch – everything unsavory is somehow related or a result of her illness, and therefore can’t be helped. I don’t buy it.

People are not meant to live on drugs, to not be able to function without them. I’ve been reading a lot on natural hygiene and natural healing – the body wants to be in balance and is constantly trying to regain it. Generally, we get in the way. I really believe we can do better. I’m proof that depression can be overcome. I’m getting it together to work towards healing my other issues.

I guess it’ll remain a difference of opinion. I just won’t accept that drugs must be a part of my life. Some people will. I want to be better than that. Hopefully you feel the same to some extent. Luvs

The Other Side May 14, 2011

I never realized how much there is to do leading up to the actions we planned. I’ve been busting my butt, doing a fair bit of busting his, and still we prep and plan and position. That glimmer I mentioned had a flare, but I’m going to wait for something definitive before posting with reckless abandon. I’ve moved easily into waking up without an alarm, spending time in my budding garden (two little troughs where I scraped the rocks away and planted seeds), living at my own schedule and pace. I’ve kept the stress at bay.

The trouble I’ve discovered with the whole thing…is dreams take money. It takes money to make money, and despite wanting a slower, simpler life, getting there, getting set up for it, takes a considerable amount of cash flow. With my last check dwindling fast, it’s something to think about. How exactly am I going to pull this off? We all have the "one big idea" – I often refer to them as evil plans, and multiples are best. My biggest evil plan got some serious work put into it today. A little backtracking and redesign are necessary, but tomorrow is another day, and hopefully a productive one. You never know, my evil plan could become the next big thing. So could yours…this may be my journey but nothing says parallels won’t appear and that we can’t learn from one another.

It’s midnight here. I’m tired but not sleepy; alone but not lonely. I can see what people mean when they say "life moves on" with that far away look in their eyes. Even in the midst of crisis, stop and just tune it all out for a minute: the sun still shines, the clouds still move, time passes, and people still go through the motions of everyday life. Things keep going whether you want to participate or not. I’m trying my hardest to participate, maybe more so than I did before. As I’ve aged I realize my priorities are different, often completely. ‘Career’ is a four-letter word of the unsavory nature, depending on the context. I used to be all about plans, continually revising and editing them; now I rarely make them, just kind of keep a general goal in my sights and meander that way most of the time. God laughs at our plans anyway. Trust me on this.

If things come around closer to "normal" again I’ll do things differently. Less waiting, more urgency. The dreams are still there, waiting, hoping. If given the opportunity to work for the Man again, with a steady cash flow and a shot at health insurance, I hope to make better use of it than I did the last time(s). I took it for granted, got comfortable, then couldn’t grasp what had happened when it did. Caught me flat-footed, wounded my spirit, had me spending too much time searching for what I did wrong (it was irrelevant you know). Now though, the possibilities are endless. The dreams have color and in some cases, taste; they’re so close. You and me both – Reach with everything you’ve got.

A Matter of Perspective May 6, 2011

Everything lies in perspective and whether we like it or not, whether it makes sense or not, how we respond to various circumstances is based on that perspective. I have a habit of quietly chastising people for fearing or responding poorly to change. Then I got that phone call that changed the game in mid-play. Now my perspective has changed. Its no longer "well you just do this…" in response to someone else’s crisis; now it’s my crisis and the answers are harder to come by with the cloud of panic threatening. So far, I just try to accomplish one or two small steps a day towards the looming Now What. So far, so good.

I’m not putting too much hope towards a transfer, though it’s theoretically possible. And assuming it does happen, I could bet my car there will be another 90 day wait for health insurance. In essence, possible salvation is three months out – minimum. So the next best option is move forward, not worry about health until I can’t ignore it any longer. The goal is to follow the dreams in all this newfound free time, not just scrape out a living. I always say there must be a better way, something other than work till I’m 67 and then, if there’s any energy or money left, live the dream.

That’s arrogance on an epic scale. Call it cliche, but tomorrow is not guaranteed. Its assumed, often at great loss. SO, the plan is to find the courage, despite the fear, to vibrantly live right now all the dreams I’ve ever had. Can’t think of any better course of action, can you?

My Crazy Life May 1, 2011

Seemed like yesterday that everything was swimming along just fine, steadily going in the right general direction. And then today came. Well, more accurately, Tuesday last came and the world did an inward one-and-a-half without warning me first, and voila, here I am now: without a job, no health insurance at a crucial juncture, and wondering not only what the hell happened but what to do now.

In the technical vernacular it’s called ‘position elimination’. In common terms, it means the boss called on my Saturday, right after Fruit Pebbles and in the midst of a knitting project I’d been dyeing to start, to say they were changing the gallery hours (again) and three full-time positions were being cut, and one of them was mine. I asked about the decision process, since with the exception of one wardrobe incident I was basically the ideal, if not (dare I say), perfect employee, yet somehow I was out on my ear. She gave me some trivial BS answer. Needless to say it fucked my weekend. That crucial health insurance juncture was scheduled for the coming Thursday; we’d been waiting over a month for it and it was essentially a critical turning point – one that we missed.

So now…Life is in a jumbled pile that’s supposed to resemble right side up and moving forward. Part of me is thankful – judging by Saturday (my last day) I’m grateful to never have to see that over-priced junk again. The “White Box” will torture me no more. The other part is determined to make it no matter what as long as she can keep from freaking out completely. I’m essentially self-employed, which may be the answer to me always saying ‘there’s got to be a better way’ when referring to working all your life for the Man.

I’m not ready. Truth is, I may never be ready and sometimes to get on with it you need a push. I’m trying not to think about it too hard, do as much as I can every day, just act, and remember to breathe. There’s a small glimmer of hope for a transfer, but it’s two weeks out at best. And it’s a glimmer not a guarantee, so I’m busting tail in case the answer is no.

We’ve taken on that roommate we initially considered and then didn’t have, same person no less. Her life fell apart too, but in a different way, and we’re in a unique position to help each other. We’ll see how it goes. All that talk of having my own business and making my own hours, doing my own thing, living the life I’ve always wanted…it’s not longer talk, it’s all prep, research, and action now.

I hope I know what the hell I’m doing. Pray for me.